Joyful Loving

Relationship Coach  

Intimacy - Do You Sabotage It?

Posted by jueyann on August 27, 2009 at 5:14 PM

Do You Sabotage Intimacy?  


Intimacy is something that most of us are searching for and yet sabotage unknowingly.  When intimacy disappears we are upset and often feel the other person is withholding from us.  Have you ever had that experience?


One example I can give you is something I experienced lately.  I was waiting for a friend to appear for a Reiki session and had a cup of tea waiting in case a settling time was needed.  When I asked, “Do you want a cup of tea?” there was a hesitation and the “sure” was the answer.  The tea did not seem to be disappearing fast and I was waiting for the indication it was time to go to the session room.  When we finally started the session I was told that they were upset and they had a time frame for the evening.  When I checked into my feelings, I felt like I was passively controlled and “set-up”. 


Later as I pondered over the evening, I realized I could have asked what the feeling was when there was a hesitation about the tea.  Or I could have said, “Do you feel you need a settling time and tea or should we just get started?”  Of course, the other person could have shared how they were feeling when I asked about the tea.  Sharing feelings is not the way most people have a habit of speaking.


When intimacy is wanted and the two people in relationship do not express their feelings the result is deadness and/or pain.



I listen to requests for more intimacy in relationship in my sexual and emotional coaching practice. One couple said,  “We used to be so connected when we were first married and there was so much aliveness.”  They had let the pressures of life - parenthood and long working hours rob them of the time and desire to speak from their feelings.  The disconnection was painful for both.


Another trap I have seen many fall into is “assuming” that the other person is tired or not feeling up because they are quiet. Or waiting for the other person to tell us how they are feeling without asking.  Making decisions on an assumption is the pathway to failure. This is another method of control. We truly are unable to read people all the time and should make a practice of asking not assuming we know at all.  The quiet careful consideration of another made on assumption is one of greatest acts of sabotage.



Many times I have heard, “My husband or my wife wants more intimacy – how do I do this?”  Speaking from feelings is a very vulnerable place for someone whose feelings were squashed or disregarded as a child.  For these couples I encourage them to attend a Tantra/JoyfulLoving class and learn the many non-verbal connection techniques that establish a safe place in a relationship to start exploring speaking their feelings.


Whena person is speaking from their feelings there is no right or wrong - feelings are totally personal - no one can tell you how you are feeling. Instead try totally listening without judgment and feed backto the other person what you heard.  Sometimes all feelings want is to be heard.  A judgment of someone else’s feelings is the third common act of sabotage.  When feelings are judged the safety and kindness disappear.  After several acts of judgment it takes incredible courage to keep speaking from your feelings. I teach a very special breathing technique to help people to find personal power that fuels this special courage needed for approaching intimacy.  These techniques are part of the  Passion class for women and Male Mastery for men.


If you want more intimacy – look closely at how you are relating and see if you are sabotaging yourself by:

a)       Not expressing your feelings

b)       Assuming what someone else is feeling

c)        Judging emotions or feelings of another


We all have the ability to achieve what we desire - starting with self-awareness.  Acquiring new tools just makes the process that much easier and faster. Join mein my classes and learn tools to assist intimacy for creation of more JOY!


(As published in The Source Magazine)




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